Wednesday, April 27, 2011

pregnancy diaries - 37 weeks (and feeling it)

Hey there bloggers! 
I keep telling myself that I am going to get back in the habit of blogging more often, but for whatever reason I haven't.

I do have lots to share though. 
I feel like I need to write in order to get everything out of my mind.

Things have been hard.
I have been really emotional lately.
In the past few days, I've had all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and selfishness come up.
I keep asking myself - why didn't I think or feel any of these things for the past 9 months?

I still feel extremely blessed to have baby Parker inside of me. 
But it's been hard.

I was going to include a cute picture from our maternity photo shoot, but I decided to look down and take this picture with my iphone instead.

The lighting isn't great, but I think you can get a pretty good idea of the rash that is COVERING my stomach - and is spreading all over my body.
And that's by ankle wrapped in a cold towel so that I don't scratch my skin off.

So let me back track a little for you.
Even prior to the rash I was feeling a little sick of being pregnant. I still loved feeling him move around, but my back hurt and I had a few other pains that I won't go into detail about. Everything was normal - that's just life when you're in your last couple of weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if many people love the way they feel when they're about to pop out a baby.
There were a couple of times when I sat in my car on my lunch break and cried to Eric and said - they have to get this baby out of me. And he would sweetly assure me that baby Parker wasn't ready yet.

Then, about 2 weeks ago I went part-time at work and started to feel like a new person.
I felt like I had a lot more energy, and my days off gave me the time I needed to "nest" and get everything ready.

THEN, last Friday I went in for my weekly appointment (I was 36 1/2 weeks) and had a small rash on my stomach. My OB said looks like you have "PUPPS (google it)." At the time it didn't really bother me, so I didn't say much about it. She just advised me to use hydrocortisone if it started to itch. When she checked me on Friday I still wasn't dilated or effaced. I felt pretty bummed about that, but I was OK.

THEN ... over the weekend, the rash took over. All in all it was a good weekend and I spent some really nice quality time with Eric, but I was increasingly more itchy.
And the rash spread from a small patch on my stomach - to covering my entire stomach. It burned and itched at the same time. And then it spread to my thighs, hands, and ankles. I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was going insane with the itching. If there is one thing that makes you feel like you're losing your mind - it's itching.

So on Monday I called my Dr. to tell her how the PUPPS had spread. She told me to come in so she could take a look at it. When I got to the office it was kind of like - "yep it's definitely PUPPS, but there is nothing we can do to make it go away. Delivery is the only thing." She told me a couple of remedies that might help, but I had tried everything.
Solarcaine hydrocortisone, calamine lotion, aveeno lotion, benadryl, even preparation h in hopes to calm to burning! haha 

She did say that she could give me a round of steroids, but she didn't advise it because the  side effects were not favorable. I wasn't for the steroids either because everything I had read online (yes, I compulsively researched "PUPPS" - the weird rash that no one has ever heard of) said that steroids should be avoided. 

Then, she checked my cervix again. Still not dilated or effaced. Although she did say that my cervix was a little softer, but all in all - no progression. 
I couldn't hold it in any longer. I laid there on the table with my rashy body and cried. 
She told me that she could do an amnio and test his lung maturity (I was full-term at this point) and if the results came back saying that his lungs were mature, then we could induce. 
Then she went over all the risks associated with getting an amnio (like a good Dr. should) but I just cried even harder. I felt a mix of pain and guilt.
After talking it over with Eric and the doctor, we decided to go ahead and schedule the amnio. 

After scheduling the amnio and induction, I was instantly flooded with emotion.
Was I doing the right thing? 
I processed it, and decided that doing the amnio was the right thing ... and because of his size it was probably a good idea to induce early. And either way the amnio would let us know if we shouldn't go forward. 

I can't explain it, but I quickly went from "please get this baby out of me" to "holy crap I"m not ready."

I had felt ready and excited through this entire pregnancy. 
And then all the sudden, I was filled with anxiety. 
You might think I am crazy, but being honest here -
I laid in bed Monday and Tuesday night and cried.
I am usually not a crier. 
Monday I was anxious about our lives changing. You might think - didn't you think about that for the past 8 months? But no, I really didn't. I was just so excited.
I had a lot of selfish (but hopefully normal) feelings going through my head.
I cried and told Eric how happy I was with him. How happy I was being married to him.
And I even said - I love my life with you - I don't want it to change.

I wanted this baby. Prayed for this baby. Felt excited for Parker. He was planned. 
And all of the sudden - I didn't want my life with Eric to change.
I felt selfish and wanted things to stay how they are - because they're so good now.

Crying to him Monday night made me realize how much I love Eric & how much I love being married to him. But along with that I realized how scared I was for things to change. 
I thought about our time the we spent just a year ago in Europe and cried thinking - it will never be the two of us again.

Yesterday, I sat on the phone and spilled out all of these thoughts to my good friend Angie. She listened and assured me that I wasn't a terrible and selfish person. She brought me back to the truth of the blessing that Parker was & spoke from experience to the joy that a child brings to your marriage.

After talking to several friends and spending time in prayer I felt a little better. Still sick to my stomach and nervous about the amnio, but a little better.

Then, I tried to go to bed last night. I couldn't stop itching. 
Again I cried - and Eric listened. 
This time it was different. This time I cried because the pregnancy was almost over. Such a joyful time for Eric and I was coming to an end. I thought about all the amazing memories we'd had with friends, family, and one another throughout the past 9 months, and I cried because it was almost over. I thought about reading books to him in his room, walking around buy buy baby, showers, praying for him - everything from being pregnant with your first baby was coming to an end.

How can a women go from "get this baby out of me" to crying about it being over I do not know!! But that is how I felt.

Eric also reminded me of how I cried when we came home from our honeymoon because I wasn't going to be living with my roomies and best friends anymore.
So I guess crying is one way that I deal with change. 

I think I cried myself to sleep. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous and scared. 
I was nervous. But I held it together and went in for the amnio without any tears.
The amnio wasn't too bad. Hurt a little, but OK. 
I left after the amnio this morning feeling confident that the Dr. was going to call and say that I was good to go to begin induction tonight.
We were ready. Bags packed. Dog sitters lined up. Family and friends were ready and excited.
And my heart changed. I walked outside of the Dr.'s office and it was sunny. Since it's been so rainy lately, it was a blessing to see the sun.
Eric and I ate lunch together and I felt joy. I felt excitement. I felt ready to meet baby Parker. I didn't feel scared, selfish, or nauseous - but I still felt itchy.

THEN, at 3:00 today the Dr. called. The test came back saying that Parker's lungs were in the transition stage. They have a range - under 35 means immature ... over 55 means fully mature, and his came back at 51.
The Dr. advised to hold off on the induction. I felt good about that. I definitely didn't want to induce if his lungs were not ready. I felt like God had intervened and stopped things. I had prayed for that this would happen if it wasn't His timing.

Then, the Dr. went on to tell me her concerns for Parker's size.
As of today, they estimated that he weighs 8 lbs 5 oz. 
His head is measuring at 37 weeks, his legs are measuring at 37 weeks, but his stomach is measuring at 41 weeks. She said that this typically means that his is more "round" than long.

She wants to induce or schedule c-section for next week.
My initial reaction was to be induced and go for a vaginal delivery.
She proceeded to inform me of the risks associated with delivering a baby that is large. 
She is particularly concerned about his head coming out and shoulders getting stuck- which can lead to a lot of complications. 

So Eric and I are left with a decision to make. 
C-section or induction? 
There seems to be more risks associated with going for the vaginal delivery.
But at the same time, I keep thinking - what if there wrong about the size?? - Isn't my body made to do this?? 
And also thinking - why would I go for the vaginal birth if it's going to put him at risk?

So that's were we stand.
Eric and I are going to prayerfully make a decision in the next couple of days.

And I am going to be praying my HEART OUT that Parker would make his debut into the world all on his own ... before any scheduled induction or c-section.
I know that may not be God's plan, but I still going to tell God the desires of my heart.

Please pray for baby Parker.
Pray that he would come.
All on his own - ready - in the perfect timing.

(PS - I'm not going to read over this post before publishing - I'm going ahead and posting. Sorry in advance for an errors)



you're going to be an absolutely amazing mother. You're supposed to be riding the emotional roller coaster right now, it's only natural. however your beautiful baby enters this world will be what's meant to happen for your new little family. Good luck, I'll be thinking and praying for you all. xoxo

the Poston's said...

oh friend, thank you for writing you heart out on this post. So many moms thank you. It's real. God has you all in his hands. We will be praying for him to come soon!
love you so much. So excited to go through life as moms together :)

Anonymous said...

My sweet niece dropped me a line about your blog and suggested I stopped by. I am so glad she did. You are going to be an awesome mom.

Just keep in mind the following:
1) If you don't get uncomfortable at the end, you'd never want them to pop out. I tell my boys I gave them the best 9 months of their lives. LOL my two oldest were 9 lb 1 oz and 9 lb. 12 oz - the others came earlier and weighed less.

2) I had 3 with epidurals, 1 crash c-section and a planned c-section (last one) - I LOVED the planned c-section. It made for an, um, neater recover - no episiotomy(sp), reduced....ummmm period-like flow right after - and, if you walk ASAP, you feel totally awesome.

3) This is all new. You haven't experienced it before. It's o.k. to feel how you're feeling - going into the unknown. Let me tell you that how you feel about your baby before delivery is totally different than how you feel afterwards.

Enjoy! Savor - right now he is all yours alone:) That will mean something in about a decade!

Be blessed! I am so excited for you!!!


Anne said...

Hey Rach! We have been thinking about you and will be praying that Parker comes soon on his own. Thanks so much for sharing and being honest. I think it's totally normal to go through all of the emotions and feelings you have had - things are about to change big time! So thankful we have a God who is in control of all of it! We can't wait to meet Parker!

Jen said...

we'll be praying so much for you, eric & baby parker! have confidence in God's perfect timing friend, he's always had you in his hands. always provided perfectly for you.

i can't wait to meet the round little guy! ahhhhhhhh! LOVE YOU ALL!

Jade Cook said...

rachel - i feel so bad for you. when i was pregnant with caroline, i started breaking out in a rash of sorts before i even knew i was pregnant. it wasn't pupps, it was a skin condition that people with eczema sometimes get when their immune system is compromised, or in my case, pregnant. i itched throughout my whole pregnancy. i never had any beautiful belly pictures b/c the condition was solid down both sides of my body. i would wake up in the night itching and still have scares almost 2 years later. i know it's awful. like pupps, mine went away when C was born. soon it will be a distant memory. hang in there - he's almost ready to meet you!!

kathy said...

You poor baby! I feel so bad for you, but am glad you can get it all out on the blog. I don't comment but have been following your progress religiously. I am a mother of two boys, ages 14 and 11. I can say that you are perfectly normal with the emotional roller coaster you are on. Just be on the lookout after the baby comes for feeling TOO emotional or depressed. I'm sure you'll be fine, but postpartum blues/ depression can be very difficult.

Re: the c-section or induction, I had a C with my first and a VBAC with my second (who was also 8.5 lbs with a GIANT head). I went into labor with both, and actually labored for over 12 hours with my first before having the C. Wish I had had the C without being in labor. It would have been much easier to recover I think. After having my second via VBAC, I told everyone if I had to have my first that way, he'd have been an only child. And yet, I realize the value of having a regular delivery.

I've heard so many different stories that it's hard to say which one would be better. You could go for induction and end up having a C anyway. I'm praying that Parker decides he's ready to come on his own and you at least start labor without assistance. Then as things progress (or not), your doctor can advise you.

Anyway, best of luck and feel better. And whatever happens, don't leave us hanging! At least have E jump on and tell us how it went.

Savannah said...

praying for God's peace to fill you tonight. thank you for your honest words. look forward to seeing pictures of your sweet baby boy when he arrives :) what an amazing and loving mother you already are!