I am really sucking at blogging

Happy Monday Bloggers! 

This picture has nothing to do with anything that I want to write about.

But I do love it. 

I could sit there with E every morning - for the rest of our lives. 

So simple - yet so lovely.

Anyways,

again I apologize for sucking at blogging lately. 

I might just have to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a daily blogger. I once was, and I might be one again someday, but right now I am not. 

However, I am really excited to share with you some things that have been on my heart.

God is working in my life big time.

IT FEELS AMAZING.

REFRESHMENT

HOPE

THANKFULNESS

PEACE

CONTENTMENT

Those are only a few of the things that the Holy Spirit has stirred up in me. 

As it is with most growth, it hasn't been easy.

It has been really really hard.

I have felt more broken, hopeless, and scared than I have in a long time.

However, I am learning in a whole new way that when the things I want here on earth seem hopeless or scary -

I HAVE A PROMISE OF HEAVEN THAT GIVES ME REFRESHMENT, HOPE, PEACE, CONTENTMENT 

A promise that I can only be thankful for.

As many of you know, E and I have been trying to have a baby.

{If you're new to the blog, then surprise!}

We went off the bc pill only a few short months ago. We thought this whole having a baby thing would be a breeze. Yeah, I knew that it might not happen the first, second, or even third month that we tried. I was ok with that. I knew that many couples had to try for awhile.

I was prepared for a little wait. 

I was not prepared for the things that we've encountered since I took that last pill.

I won't give tons of details, not because I want to be private about it, but mainly bc I don't feel like writing it. 

Let's just say that the medical world now defines me as a habitual aborter. 

Thankfully, I know that is not who I am. 

I know that my hope is not in being a mom.

My hope is in the promise of heaven. Eternity with God.

Do I want to me a mom? YES!!! 

However, I know that being a mother is not promised to me. 

I do know that eternal life with my Savior is promised. Because of that I can still hope. I can do more than hope - I can rejoice. 

What I have been going through hurts like hell. 

It tears your heart out. 

It leaves you anxious and disappointed.

Through this I have found great comfort in the truth that Christ walked the earth as well. He knew suffering and grief very well. 

He knows what I am going through.

He is very near through E and I's suffering. 

Recently, my friend sent me this sermon to listen to. 

It is amazing.

It is truth.

You really should listen and check it out.

Since I listened to it, I have prayed that my heart would be like Paul's when he says ...

⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. ¹⁰I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:8-11

This scripture says because of Christ, even our greatest treasures are crap. It's pretty easy for me to look at my possessions and know that they're worthless. But when I look straight in the face with my desire to have a child ... well that's a different story. 

 Do I believe that even being a mom someday will be crap compared to Christ?

I don't know. 

A month ago, I might have said that I knew that was true, but my heart would have been way off. In my heart I would have desired pregnancy and being a mother right above God.

Lately, God has been straightening this out for me. 

In a good way. 

He is a very good God. 

I still desire to be a mom. I am not praying for that desire to be lifted.

I feel confident that I will be a better mom someday because of this truth.

In the sermon that I listened to the speaker talks about the parable of the treasure hidden in the field. 

Matthew 13:44

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

The speaker challenged me to think about what I need to sell to buy the field. 

What am I putting before God? 

What do I desire more than Him? 

What are my idols? 

For me, the answer through pretty loud and clear. 

I want to be a mother.

I want to feel a baby more inside me, and then I want to hold it in my arms

I want to watch them grow up.

But, these things are not promised. These hopes are not eternal. I cannot base my life on these hopes. 

They're good hopes and I know that I will see God more clearly through motherhood.

But - please hear me - 

they're not the ultimate hope.

We may be blessed with many things in our life.

Someday, I might even be blessed with a child. 

What doesn't change is that God is God. He is good.

He is better than any of my hopes or desires. 

He should be sought after.

He should be praised.