I am really sucking at blogging

Happy Monday Bloggers! 

This picture has nothing to do with anything that I want to write about.

But I do love it. 

I could sit there with E every morning - for the rest of our lives. 

So simple - yet so lovely.

Anyways,

again I apologize for sucking at blogging lately. 

I might just have to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a daily blogger. I once was, and I might be one again someday, but right now I am not. 

However, I am really excited to share with you some things that have been on my heart.

God is working in my life big time.

IT FEELS AMAZING.

REFRESHMENT

HOPE

THANKFULNESS

PEACE

CONTENTMENT

Those are only a few of the things that the Holy Spirit has stirred up in me. 

As it is with most growth, it hasn't been easy.

It has been really really hard.

I have felt more broken, hopeless, and scared than I have in a long time.

However, I am learning in a whole new way that when the things I want here on earth seem hopeless or scary -

I HAVE A PROMISE OF HEAVEN THAT GIVES ME REFRESHMENT, HOPE, PEACE, CONTENTMENT 

A promise that I can only be thankful for.

As many of you know, E and I have been trying to have a baby.

{If you're new to the blog, then surprise!}

We went off the bc pill only a few short months ago. We thought this whole having a baby thing would be a breeze. Yeah, I knew that it might not happen the first, second, or even third month that we tried. I was ok with that. I knew that many couples had to try for awhile.

I was prepared for a little wait. 

I was not prepared for the things that we've encountered since I took that last pill.

I won't give tons of details, not because I want to be private about it, but mainly bc I don't feel like writing it. 

Let's just say that the medical world now defines me as a habitual aborter. 

Thankfully, I know that is not who I am. 

I know that my hope is not in being a mom.

My hope is in the promise of heaven. Eternity with God.

Do I want to me a mom? YES!!! 

However, I know that being a mother is not promised to me. 

I do know that eternal life with my Savior is promised. Because of that I can still hope. I can do more than hope - I can rejoice. 

What I have been going through hurts like hell. 

It tears your heart out. 

It leaves you anxious and disappointed.

Through this I have found great comfort in the truth that Christ walked the earth as well. He knew suffering and grief very well. 

He knows what I am going through.

He is very near through E and I's suffering. 

Recently, my friend sent me this sermon to listen to. 

It is amazing.

It is truth.

You really should listen and check it out.

Since I listened to it, I have prayed that my heart would be like Paul's when he says ...

⁸What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ ⁹and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. ¹⁰I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:8-11

This scripture says because of Christ, even our greatest treasures are crap. It's pretty easy for me to look at my possessions and know that they're worthless. But when I look straight in the face with my desire to have a child ... well that's a different story. 

 Do I believe that even being a mom someday will be crap compared to Christ?

I don't know. 

A month ago, I might have said that I knew that was true, but my heart would have been way off. In my heart I would have desired pregnancy and being a mother right above God.

Lately, God has been straightening this out for me. 

In a good way. 

He is a very good God. 

I still desire to be a mom. I am not praying for that desire to be lifted.

I feel confident that I will be a better mom someday because of this truth.

In the sermon that I listened to the speaker talks about the parable of the treasure hidden in the field. 

Matthew 13:44

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

The speaker challenged me to think about what I need to sell to buy the field. 

What am I putting before God? 

What do I desire more than Him? 

What are my idols? 

For me, the answer through pretty loud and clear. 

I want to be a mother.

I want to feel a baby more inside me, and then I want to hold it in my arms

I want to watch them grow up.

But, these things are not promised. These hopes are not eternal. I cannot base my life on these hopes. 

They're good hopes and I know that I will see God more clearly through motherhood.

But - please hear me - 

they're not the ultimate hope.

We may be blessed with many things in our life.

Someday, I might even be blessed with a child. 

What doesn't change is that God is God. He is good.

He is better than any of my hopes or desires. 

He should be sought after.

He should be praised.

your grace will not refuse me

I'm not going to lie. 

Things have been rough around here.

Through life's struggles, I am being challenged. 

However, I am growing. 

Each day I feel more intimate with the God who made me. 

So for that I can only be thankful. 

I may not be getting what I want, but I am getting what I need. 

For the past week or so, I have been listening to this song on repeat. 

I cling to it's words. 

I hope that it encourages you in whatever you may be dealing with.

I HAVE A SHELTER

I have a shelter in the storm
When troubles pour upon me
Though fears are rising like a flood
My soul can rest securely
O Jesus, I will hide in You
My place of peace and solace
No trial is deeper than Your love
That comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm
When all my sins accuse me
Though justice charges me with guilt
Your grace will not refuse me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
Who bore my condemnation
I find my refuge in Your wounds
For there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm
When constant winds would break me
For in my weakness, I have learned
Your strength will not forsake me
O Jesus, I will hide in You
The One who bears my burdens
With faithful hands that cannot fail
You’ll bring me home to heaven

You can listen to this song here.

Today, I hope that I (and you) will thank God for the gifts that he is giving you. 

They may not be what you think you need right now, but they're very good gifts.

Until this passes, I am going to do exactly what God told David:

Psalm 110:1
"Sit at my right hand 

until I make your enemies

a footstool for your feet."

don't waste your cancer

This is my friend Libby's blog. 

Libby and I were in a bible study together for a couple of years, and her husband and I went to high school together. 

Libby is an amazing woman of Christ. She is a mother. She is a fabulous wife and friend. 

A couple of years ago, Libby and her husband moved to Virginia. Her husband Justin is on Young Life staff there. 

Libby started this blog about a week ago.

About a week ago she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. 

I am sharing this so that you can pray for them. 

I am also sharing because I truly believe that their honest faith will be an encouragement to you.

Each day I log on and read there new post, and each day tears come to my eyes ( and I am really not a big time cryier either). 

They're amazing. 

Please pray.

clowns

a challenging and convicting post ... 

check it out here.

pap

My grandfather passed away on Monday. 

Not really sure how or if I even want to write about it. 

Maybe after the funeral I will find the words.

He was an amazing grandpa. 

Please pray for my family.

I know he is with our Savior, and I praise God for that. 

I can't wait to be with him someday.

another heart to heart

I felt so refreshed after I shared a couple of days ago ... so I thought that I would do it again. 

After all, this is what blogs and writing are for - right? 

You might find this totally random and it might not apply to your life at all, but maybe one of you out there can relate - and because of that, I will share. 

While I was in Costa Rica, the Lord really convicted me about a few other things in my life. 

I'll just warn you, I was totally blind sided by this one.

It was one of those times, when you pray that God would mold and shape your heart to be more like His - and then all of the sudden, he convicts you about something that you didn't even know you struggled with. I felt like ..."God I know that I struggle with a lot of things ... but this, seriously?"

I'll also warn you that this conviction was from within my own heart. 

It has little to do with the people or country of Costa Rica.

However, while I was down there, God revealed to me that I have a lot of insecurities. Insecurities that I didn't even know where there. Before leaving for the trip, I felt pretty content with who I am. I know that I struggled here and there with the whole not finding a job thing, but overall I felt ok. 

Then, I got down to Costa Rica and BAM! 

God totally convicted me and opened up my eyes to how much comfort I found in things like makeup, vanity, doing my hair, my clothes ... I think that you get the point.

I know that this probably sounds super immature, but it is true. 

I hope that I am not the only one out there that has struggled with these things.

The ironic thing is at the beginning of the week, I felt so stinkin' confident and self-righteous. While we were down there we worked really hard and there just didn't seem to be any logical reason for me to put on makeup or straighten my hair. I mean honestly, within two hours any makeup that I did put on would've been gone because of sweat! 

So, the first couple days I went without makeup and just let my hair air dry. Like I said, I was feeling pretty good about "not being that girl who has to be all done up." Then, I noticed myself judging other people like crazy. 

{disclaimer: I also learned from this experience that when I judge someone it usually means that I am insecure about something}

I judged the other women who would straighten their hair or put on makeup in the morning. I hate admitting it, but I literally thought things like "I am glad that I don't need to do that. I feel comfortable enough in who God made me to need to put makeup on. They must not be very strong in their faith." In general, I was so self-righteousness and pretty much had the attitude that I was better than them.

Let me just say, that I was totally lying to myself and I didn't even realize it ... until the Spirit started convicting me. I would see myself in pictures taken and think "I look disgusting." Does anyone else do this? There's a group shot that you're in and as soon as you see yourself in the picture, you start picking out all the things wrong with yourself. Well, that's what I was doing. I think we do it all the time. I think we are so used to doing it, that we don't even realize that we're going it!

Then, I would compare myself to the other girls for the opposite reasons. 

{why as females do we struggle so much with comparison??}

I would beat myself up and think "that girl looks so good and natural without makeup. I wish that I was naturally pretty and didn't need make-up. But, I'm not ... I look terrible without it." 

So so sad, but this is literally the things that I would tell myself.

I hope that I don't sound too crazy. I have a feeling that I am not alone in this! 

I hope not :)

Throughout the week God revealed to me more and more how insecure I was in this area. He totally tore my self-righteousness to shreds. Instead of feeling prideful about not being "that girl," I found myself wishing to be "that girl" so that I would feel pretty.

So there it is. It's amazing/frustrating when God reveals struggles that you didn't even know where there. Sometimes it is painful, but I guess that's what it takes to grow.

As for wearing makeup, doing my hair, having on cute clothes ... I'm not going to say that I will never do it again. To be honest, I have makeup on right now. But I am confident that I want to grow into the women of Christ that doesn't find her security in those things. 

Psalm 45:11

The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him for He is your Lord.

COMMENTS PLEASE :) I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS. 

latin adventures: part 2

Hey there!

I promised to share some of the things that God taught me while I was down there ... so this morning we're going to have a little heart - to - heart. 

I am going to take this straight out of one of my journal entries while I was down there. 

A little background ... I journaled these things at night before getting into bed. However, that same morning a couple team members and I visited a slum neighborhood. We went there to pick up kids for a feeding ministry that the church does. Each Sunday morning, the church picks up these children and feeds them breakfast while they teach the word of God. 

I have never seen anything like this neighborhood. I am sure that things are even worse in places like India or Africa, but this was the worst that I have seen. The homes were located right off of this dirt road that went STRAIGHT UP HILL. When I say home, I am talking about a room smaller than E and I's bedroom. Also, all of the homes where entirely made of sheet metal and tires. There was no indoor plumbing, and only a few houses had electricity.

Although these children lived in these conditions, they were so full of JOY.

It was amazing, but everyone that I encountered on the trip was full of JOY.

_____________________________________

That same night while we were having our debriefing time one man shared something that stuck with me. 

He said, 

"I always thought being poor meant that you were miserable ... but these people are not miserable."

Those words stuck with me and I thought about my life here in the States compared to their lives in Costa Rica.

In Costa Rica the average yearly income is equivalent to $6,000 US dollars. 

That night I wrote this ...

_________________________________________

James 2:5

Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised to those who love him?

"One question I am taking from this week: What is wealth and what is poverty? This week they have been redefined. Are the Costa Rican's poor? Or, is it the American's who are truly poor? Is our wealth in America really a blessing - or is it a curse?"

__________________________________________

I know that with wealth, you can do a lot of amazing things. However, this trip truly opened my eyes to how distracting money is. The people in Costa Rica were forced to live closer to one another because of lack of money. Once I witnessed the community that they shared, God opened my eyes to see that it really wasn't a bad thing. 

 Costa Rican's are not nearly as busy as we are here in America. I also think that has a lot to do with the pursuit of wealth. 

 To those who are poor, God promises richness in faith. 

During this trip, I realized that my ideas of wealth and poverty were a little off. 

I now believe that, being rich or poor has very little to do with how much money you possess. 

home sweet home & happy easter

Hola Chica's! 

Happy Easter!!

I hope that it was sunny wherever you are, because it was absolutely lovely here. 

God provided an amazing day for us to celebrate His resurrected Son.

On another note, E and I safely returned to the states on Friday night. 

Here is a group shot that we took the day before we left.

Since then, I have been adjusting back to normalcy. You know - laundry, grocery shopping, and most of all sweeping up dog hair.

In all seriousness, I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-adjusting to life back in America. Even a short-term mission trip has a way of shaking you up - in a good way. 

I am doing a lot of processing and can't wait to share all of my thoughts, experiences, and most of all pictures with you. 

Right now, I am clinging to the memories. As my life goes on here, so do the lives of the people in Costa Rica.

I have tons to share with you, but for now I will leave you with this single picture. I feel like it sums up our trip pretty well.

Just kidding - sort of! While we did do a lot of labor, we also spent a ton of time building relationships and enjoying amazing food!

Between E and I, we took a TON of pictures. Tonight, I uploaded over 500 to my hard-drive. So to properly warn you, this week I will be blogging a ton about our trip.

You may need to take a seat and stay awhile.

{Despite the condition, I absolutely love this chair. If I could have got it through customs, I probably would have brought it home with me. A set of two would go perfectly in the kitchen re-do. The kitchen re-do that is only in my mind at this time. I have currently put the plans on pause, and all money saved is now going towards E and I's trip to France. Someday we would like to start a family, so we figured that we can save and re-do our kitchen anytime. However, our European travel dreams are not as flexible.}

Sorry for the tangent! Sometimes when I write on here, I literally feel like my mind is spilling out. I guess that is what blogging is for. 

I'll be back soon to share more of our Latin America adventures!!

and the winner is...

Hola Bloggers! Sorry to be keeping you waiting on the giveaway winner. 

Last week's Party Pom giveaway winner is MS. JENNIFER!! Congrats :) 

__________________________________________________________________________

Last night, E and I volunteered to work the "Date Bait" at our church. Date Bait is a fundraiser event where parents can drop their children off at church and a group of volunteers babysit. The parents donate what they normally would pay for a babysitter. 

All of the funds last night went towards out Costa Rica mission trip.

I'm not going to lie, dreading doesn't even describe how I felt about going. I have told you about my funk, and the last thing I wanted to do with my Saturday night was volunteer to babysit 50 kids.

But, I sucked it up and did it. 

Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad. 

Kids can be kind of cute.

They can also be really funny.

Last night, one adorable little girl came up to me and said "how much longer is this party going to go on?" I'm glad that she felt like it was a party.

I found out that you can entertain kids forever if you just challenge them to race each other.  I also found out that four year olds are really clumsy and can get hurt when they race each other. 

Kids really like to run. I think I told a group of boys to stop running maybe 20 times. 

Being there last night made me wonder what type of parents E and I will be. Who knows. 

Helping out last night also brought back to the front of my mind, hopes of becoming a foster parent someday. I want to have children of my own, but I also really really want to foster and adopt. 

I feel like this is something that God has placed on my heart, now I just keep asking - when??

_________________________________________________________________________

After the date bait, E and I rented the film "Precious." 

 It was heavy, but real. When I laid in bed last night, I kept thinking of them women I have met over the years who have also been victims of abuse. 

Thinking about these women, also led to more thinking about fostering children.

Watching this movie, also helped with my funk.

I am so blessed. One thing that I take for granted is a feeling a safety. I feel safe in my home, neighborhood, job, with friends, ect. 

Not everyone feels this way.

As I've mentioned, I have been so discouraged thinking about jobs.

Watching this movie, also made me thankful that I had parents who encouraged education. It made me thankful that I was never told that I wasn't good enough for college.

I am blessed for having the opportunity to attend college and graduate school. I know that I had to work hard, but I was able to attend without many of the obstacles that others are up against.  

Everything is about perspective. 

I pray that these words would guide my perspective ...

Mark 9:35

 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."

when the saints

I can't get THIS SONG out of my head ...

When the Saints

Sara Groves

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compells me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them
I want to be one of them

homecoming

Since Tuesday night I have been so anxious to share this experience with you. 

Christine is from the Congro, but I titled this post "homecoming" because on Tuesday night Christine came home to her husband and three sons.

A little background on this families story. I will try to keep it short!

This family lived in the Congo during a time of civil unrest. Rebel armies seem to foreign to me that they are something that I cannot even understand. For whatever reason, {I believe it had something to do with being associated with a certain political group or religion} they believed that the father's life was at risk. 

Because they felt that he was ask risk, the church sent him away to a safe place during this time of uncertainity. While their father was away, the mother and one of her sons went to the well to get water for the family. 

She never returned. She was kidnapped by the rebel army. The same army that the father was in hiding from. 

The young boys {between the ages of 6 and 13} were left at home and quickly realized that she was not coming back. The oldest boy, Peter, assumed the father role and fled the house in fear that the rebels would soon come to their home for them as well. 

They did the only thing they knew to do - they ran. They traveled on foot for 300 miles. Can you even imagine the weight of responsibility. After approx. 300 miles of traveling, the boys were eventually picked up by the Red Cross. Through a long process, they were transferred to an orphanage in Kenya. It was not until two-three years later that they heard word that their father was alive. They were reunited and after a bunch of red tape, they came to the USA as refugees. 

They have been living in Lexington for over five years. 

From 2001 until 2008 they assumed that their mother had been killed by this rebel army. 

In 2008 they were told that she was ALIVE! 

Since 2008, they have been going through multiple processes to bring her home to them. It takes a little longer when the nation you are from believes that you are deceased!

Praise God, on Tuesday night she came home. 

It had been nine years since they last saw one another.

The boys waited anxiously, holding roses for their mother.  

Waiting in amazement that the day was actually here. It was really happening.

 

  

 Then, they saw her coming down from the escalator. At the first sight of her one of the boys shouted with joy "THAT IS MY MOM!" and threw his rose into the air!

It was one of the most amazing embraces I have ever seen. So full of joy and so overwhelming. 

Her youngest son was the first to grab her. They hugged and cried into each others arms.

  

  

 

 

Second to seeing her embrace her sons and husband, was this hug. This blond women, Paula, has been a mother figure to these boys for the past five years. She met them through the High School soccer team.

She is truly a saint. Literally every time that these brothers were anywhere E and I would ask them if they needed a ride and their response was always "no, Ms. Paula is coming to get us."  

When these two women embraced, I heard Christine say "my sister." That is truly amazing to me. Only because of the love of God, Ms. Paula cared for these boys. Although they had never met, Christine heard of the way this women cared for her family, and because of their shared faith she called her sister. Christine knew that they are both precious children of God, and "sister" was the only appropriate way to greet her. 

 

  

This picture makes me laugh. While this was going on I heard someone say "there's no way these people are going to get this one for the 11:00 news ... he's preaching to them a full sermon." 

 

Christine and her three boys. Just to give you a reference, she had not seen the one of the far right since he was six years old. I also love how they all dressed up so fancy to greet her!

Pure joy.

 

 

And last but not least - one of my favorite parts of the night was hearing a 1st grade boy tell Christine that he has been praying for her to come home each morning and each night for two years.

No wonder God tells us to have faith like a child.